There was an Englishman, a German and an Irishman in a pub. Each ordered
a beer and each one received a beer ... plus a fly floating lazily in the
liquid. The Englishman squealed in horror and said, "Eek! Eek! Take it away!
Take it away!" The German just shrugged and drank it. The Irishman picked up
the fly, shook it and yelled, "Spit it out, ye bastard. Spit it out!"
This is a song:
Can you hear the English singing?
No, no.
Can you hear the English singing?
No, no.
Can you hear the English singing? I cannae hear an effin' thing...
No, no.
Voltaire was visiting London one fine day (one of the few) -- in the midst
of a war between France and England no less. As he walked the streets, an
angry mob of Londoners spotted him as a Frenchie (by his clothes no doubt)
and started yelling for his blood, "Kill the frog! Kill the frog!!" Voltaire,
being no fool (says who?), ran. After a while, however, he realized he could
not outrun them and turned to face the pack of wild Limeys. "My friends! er.
My enemies! You wish to kill me because I am French, but am I not punished
enough by not being English?" The mob stopped, applauded and let him go.
An Englishman, a Frenchman a Mexican and a Texan were flying across country in a small plane when the pilot comes on over the loud speaker and says, "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you can survive."
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save the Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman, greatly inspired, hollers "Viva la France!" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan, so he hollers "Remember the Alamo!" and grabs
the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
A darkened alleyway. A thin sliver of moon rides the sky. A lone human walks slowly through the rubbish.
Suddenly, a dark shadow wraps itself around the human, and drags it to the floor. It tries to scream out, but the monster wrapped about it holds its mouth shut with a grip of iron.
Wild eyes stare disbelievingly at the incarnation of its worse nightmares. Beautiful, but deadly. The creature smiles, revealing its fangs, and laughs quietly as the human's struggles fade away...
The vampire speaks. "So, little one, do you want to die now?" "Or do you want to live forever..."
"Mm mm mmm mmm."
"What? I can't hear you..."
"Mm mmm mmbloody handmm mmmouth!"
"Oh, sorry." An embarrassed silence, and then, "So, little one, do you-"
"I heard you the first time, you fanged pillock."
"Here, don't take that tone with me! I'm a bloody vampire, I'll have you know, scourge of the living, drinker of innocent blood. Don't call me a pillock!"
"I don't care if you're Bela bloomin' Lugosi, mate, get your knee out of my friggin' kidney!"
"Look, you're not making this any easier for me, you know. Just answer the question! So, little one-"
"Listen, before I answer anything, you're not doing a survey for some bloody newspaper are you? Can't stand those bloody surveys."
"I don't believe this. Here I am, wearing a big black cloak, stalking a moonlit alley, and you ask me am I doing a survey! What kind of a prat are you?"
"Hey, watch who you're calling a prat, you anemic little spook. I didn't come walking down this alley to be abused by the likes of you, you know."
"No? Where do you usually go then?"
"Oh very funny. Very bleedin' funny."
"Right, I'm going to ask you one last time: so, little one, do-"
"Who you calling little? I'm as tall as you."
"It's a figure of speech."
"What, like you're a figure of fun, you reject from the Batcave?"
"Right, that's it."
"What's the matter now?"
"I'm not drinking one drop of your blood until you apologize."
"But-"
"Apologize. Apologize right now, or I'm not touching that horrible neck of yours."
"Oh, come on-"
"Don't touch me."
"But-"
"Don't touch me."
"Don't you think you're over-reacting?"
"Over-reacting? Over-reacting? I don't believe this. I spend all day in a 7 by 1 by 2 coffin, while you swan around in the sun. And then, when I finally get out, you have to ruin the evening by calling me a reject from the Batcave! Really, mortals! That's mortals for you, no bloody consideration. You make me sick."
"Look-"
"Don't touch me."
"Look, I'm sorry. But it's not like I've had a good day either."
"Hey, you try spending fourteen hours in a box six feet under, with bloody claustrophobia an' all. It ain't fun, mate, let me tell you that."
"I said I'm sorry. What more do you want?"
"Well, you could answer my bloody question for a start."
"Alright. What was it again?"
"So, little one, do you want to die now? Or do you want to live forever?"
The mortal considers... time passes... the mortal considers some more...
The vampire says, "Well?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. What was the question again?"
"AAARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!"
The vampire flutters away, thoroughly pissed off. The mortal stands up, and slowly brushes the dust from his clothes.
"Bloody fanged pillock."
Really, really, really sick joke Ahead!!!---->
A vampire goes into a bar and asks for a glass of hot blood. The bartender
gives it to him, no questions asked. A second vampire comes into the bar and
ask for a glass of hot blood. Again, he gets it and no questions asked. A third
vampire comes into the bar and asks for a glass of hot water. The bartender
gives it to him but cannot contain his curiousity and asks, "How come you
didn't order a glass of hot blood like the other vamps?" The third vampire
looked at him, took out a used tampon and said, "Tea."
