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• The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary *Sense of Humor required!*
• Why did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Part Two!
• Preaching
• Fun Things To Do In Class
• The Top 10 Fun Things To Do In A Final Exam (That Does Not Matter)
• 10 Fun Things for Professors to Do On the First Day of Class (And you teachers were feeling left out? ;>)
• Bumper Stickers
• CLICK HERE FOR MORE!!!

• Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
• Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enaabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.
• Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol.
• Chemical: A substance that
  1. an organic chemist turns into a foul odor
  2. an analytical chemist turns into a procedure
  3. a physical chemist turns into a straight line
  4. a biochemist turns into a helix, or
  5. a chemical engineer turns into a profit.
• Chromatography: From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.
• Clinical Testing:The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)
• Compound: To make worse as in:
  1. A fracture, or
  2. the mutual adulteration of two or more elements.

• Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.
• En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science.
• Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can drink in a year's time.
• First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.
• Genetic Engineering: recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been doing all along.
• Grignard:A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never in real life.
• Inorganic Chemistry:That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
• Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER).
• Natural Product:A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease.
• Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.
• Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.
• Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital computer.
• Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).
• Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.
• Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).
• Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).
• Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion.
• Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state.
• Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.
• Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors.
• Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).
• X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read.
• Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.

It was a cold winter's day that Sunday. The parking lot to the church was filling up quickly. I noticed as I got out of my car that fellow church members were whispering among themselves as they walked in the church.

• Former Vice President Al Gore:: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
• President George W. Bush: I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
• Senator Lieberman: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
• Vice President Cheney: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
• Ralph Nader: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire-makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire-makers to create t he need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with the chickens.
• Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
• Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
• Martin Luther King, Jr: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.
• Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
• Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
• Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
• Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
• Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
• Omar Khayam: The moving chicken fingers, write, and having writ, move on.
• Plato: For the greater good.
• Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side". That's what "they" call it- the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
• Barney: Because the chicken wanted to let all the nice little kids hold him and touch him!
• Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
• The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
• Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
• L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
• Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
• Bill Clinton: I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.
• Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
• "X-files" Fox Mulder:: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
• CBS-TV's Andy Rooney: I could have said, 'Didja ever wonder why it is that the chicken crossed the road, and which road it was?' But I didn't. I did ask some turkeys, however, and this is what they said....
• James Carville: Because the mean-spirited Republican majority in Congress was going to cook the chicken and leave only the sun-bleached bones picked bare for the American people that they'd throw out in the street, Larry!
• Bob Dole: Bob Dole says, "To get to the other side."
• Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping nerve gas on it.
• Bill Clinton (Part Two): I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
• COBOL Programmers: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THENPERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROADVARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTILON-THE-OTHER-SIDEELSEGO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
• H. Ross Perot: No, no, it's not about me, Larry. It's about the chicken.
• Jean Chretien: Okay, for me, de chicken, 'e crossed de road because 'is team was der, and because 'e 'ad de plan.
• Chico Marx: Why a duck? Why-a-no- chicken?
• Groucho Marx: You try to cross over there a chicken, and you'll find why-a-no chicken. It's deep water, that's viaduct.
• William Jefferson Clinton (Part Three): That depends on how yuh define "road".
• A Typically Politically Correct Person: Don't blame the chicken! Society is to blame. The chicken did cross the road, but he or she was merely a victim of this racist, bigoted, sexist, society. We are all to blame, for failing to provide blah blah blah blahblahblahblahblahblahblah.....ad naseaum
• Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
• *MORE COMING SOON!!!*

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Fun Things To Do In Class

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front and color your textbook.
4. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
5. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
6. Leave permanent markers on the dry-erase board.
7. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
8. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
9. Sing your questions.
10. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
11. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream, "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
12. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you are actually Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
13. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
14. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
15. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters, "CHECK YOUR FLY!"
16. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
17. Ask whether you have to come to class.
18. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
19. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
20. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
21. Watch the professor through binoculars.
22. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
23. When the professor turns on his laser pointer scream, "AAAGH MY EYES!"
24. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even if it's Smith. Insist that the i is silent.
25. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
26. Claim to be the Teaching Assistant. If the real one objects jump up and scream, "IMPOSTER!!"
27. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
28. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
29. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
30. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
31. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
32. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
33. Ask your math profesor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down father because you can't see Macedonia.
34. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
35. Claim tha tyou wrote the class textbook.
36. Walls made of brick. Count 'em.
37. See how long you can hold your breath.
38. Walk up the aisle yelling, "Popcorn! Hot popcorn here!".
39. Write stupid lists.
40. Start laughing really hard and say, "Oh, now I get it!"
41. *More Coming Soon!*

The Top 10 Fun Things To Do In a Final Exam (That Does Not Matter)

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
4. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
6. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
7. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
8. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
9. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
10. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

10 Fun Things For Professors to Do On the First Day of Class

1. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
2. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
3. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
4. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
6. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
7. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
8. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
9. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
10. *More Coming Soon!*